The Minnesota Twins have announced new fan engagement guidelines this week to ensure that Target Field remains a drama-free zone when it comes to home run balls. The decision comes in response to a viral incident in Miami, where a female Phillies fan berated a family after they secured a home run ball before eventually handing it over.

The Twins, of course, are determined to avoid such chaos. “This isn’t Philadelphia. This is Minnesota,” said Senior VP of Fan Experience, Marlene Thorson. “If someone catches a home run ball here, they should immediately apologize, offer it to the nearest child, and then bake a hot dish for the other people in their section who didn’t get it.”

More Balls Than Fans?

The new “Home Run Ball Courtesy Protocol” (HRBCP) feels particularly timely. Attendance at Target Field has dipped to levels that make the 2020 pandemic season look crowded. With the team’s bullpen coughing up runs faster than State Fair cheese curds disappear, nearly every fan in attendance has a legitimate shot at snagging a ball by the seventh inning.

“I came with my daughter and by the end of the game, we had three baseballs,” said Shoreview resident Paul Nelson. “Honestly, I was worried we’d have to buy another backpack just to haul them out. But the ushers made us hand two of them to a family from Duluth. It’s the rule now.”

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Minnesota Nice in Action
The Twins are embracing their regional identity. Ushers have been retrained to intervene at the first sign of conflict by offering lukewarm Caribou Coffee, a soft handshake, and a passive-aggressive “Oh, you must really need that ball more than they do.”

“I’ve worked here for 15 years,” said usher Darlene Peterson. “Back in the Joe Mauer days, fans would politely nod and let the ball roll under the seat to someone else. That’s the Minnesota way. Now we’ve had to put it in writing because, well, people watch too much Philadelphia baseball on TikTok.”

The Front Office Spin
While some might see the empty seats and nightly bullpen implosions as problems, the Twins are leaning into it as a marketing opportunity. “Where else can you come to a Major League game and guarantee you’ll leave with a souvenir ball?” said Twins President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey. “We call it ‘Catch the Memories.’ We’d like to think it’s a perk of our current roster strategy.”

And for fans who still feel uneasy about whether they’ll keep their prize, the team store has rolled out a new service: Home Run Ball Insurance. (Also, a nice way for the Pohlads to line their pockets.) For just $19.99, fans can purchase a laminated certificate guaranteeing that their ball will not be confiscated or guilt-tripped away by an usher. Premium packages even include a notarized letter confirming that, yes, your uncle’s buddy really did catch a Royce Lewis homer.

One fan summed it up perfectly. “I bought a ticket for $8 and left with a game-used ball, a free t-shirt, and half a bag of popcorn someone offered me because they were leaving early,” said Minneapolis native Sara Lind. “If that’s not Minnesota Nice, I don’t know what is.”