The league has already rolled out promotional materials splashed with Minnesota stars Byron Buxton, Pablo López, Joe Ryan, Ryan Jeffers, and Royce Lewis. These posters look great on billboards, buses, and social media feeds. They would also make tremendous historical artifacts documenting a team that might be entirely gone by the time the game actually happens.
One MLB official admitted privately that the league is preparing for the worst.
“Let me put it this way,” the source said. “We may or may not have a folder titled: Things To Do If The Twins Trade Everyone With A Pulse. And that folder may or may not be very full.”
The Twins front office also seems aware of the situation. A team source provided clarity on the matter.
“Look, we like our guys,” the source said. “But we also really like future payroll flexibility. And prospect capital. And maybe just the general chaos of it all.”
With the trade deadline falling before August’s Field of Dreams Game, the league is constructing backup promotional plans. The first option is simply swapping out the current stars for top prospect Walker Jenkins, who has yet to debut but has already been used as a placeholder so often that he might appear on more posters than Buxton by February.
“Walker looks great in a cornfield,” an MLB designer said anonymously. “He also looks great in any graphic where we desperately need a Minnesota Twin who still plays for the Minnesota Twins. At this point, he might be our entire September promo package.”
If Jenkins is not available or is inconveniently also traded for pitching depth or a rental reliever with an expiring elbow, MLB’s contingency depth chart shifts to Austin Martin. His second-half surge has made him credible enough to be featured, though the bar for credibility is now best described as “Can this person plausibly wear a Twins hat without us getting sued?”
MLB’s most ambitious contingency plan involves fully leaning into misdirection. With Kody Clemens arriving in the organization, the league is reportedly considering a marketing strategy based on the assumption that casual fans will assume he is his father, Roger Clemens.
“I’m not saying we would imply he is Roger,” an MLB source clarified. “Just that we would not go out of our way to clarify that he is not Roger. If people want to believe the Twins are sending that Clemens to Iowa, who are we to interrupt their joy?”
The Twins, for their part, have not ruled out the possibility of using Clemens on the mound if public confusion reaches a high enough level.
“We will do whatever the situation calls for,” a team source shared. “Is Kody a pitcher? Not currently. Could he be? Theoretically. Is this entire winter theoretical? Absolutely.”
The league remains hopeful that at least one recognizable Twin survives the summer. But the risk is real, and it must be faced. One document labeled Emergency Minnesota Adventure outlines scenarios ranging from signing random former Twins to reintroducing TC Bear as a two-way player.
Another plan apparently suggests asking Joe Mauer if he is busy that weekend.
As the marketing department frantically prepares for all potential futures, MLB leadership remains officially calm.
“This is all hypothetical,” one league executive insisted. “There is no reason to believe the Twins will trade away their entire roster. Unless they do. Which they might. But maybe they will not. But probably they will.”
Fans now wait for more details, as August approaches and the cornfield beckons. Whether the Twins arrive with actual MLB players or some last-second collection of fallback options, we won’t know for some time.
