Some places in the world are far more informal than others. Southern Missouri, where much of my early life took place, is one of those places. High-class, black-tie affairs are rare. This cultural ease is inherently friendly and tends to create a higher propensity for nicknames—our mid-South love language—that get assigned to almost everyone. I have more friends than I can count on both hands who go by names that are, in some cases, nothing like their actual given names.

Whether it’s Earl (whose real name is Nick), Patch (Patrick—close enough), Wally (Mitch), Darsh (Chris), or Flanders (another Nick), the informality in certain parts of the world truly gives those places character and charm that many will never understand.

So, when I started looking at the Chiefs’ draft class, I was naturally curious about the new talent the team had acquired. Whether it was the high potential of Josh Simmons, the near-surgical route running of Jalen Royals, or the top-end speed and dual-threat playmaking ability of Brashard Smith, there was a lot to like about this year’s crop of Chiefs rookies.

But, of course, my mind wandered back to where its ideals are rooted. “What am I going to inevitably call these guys?” I thought. Some players who join the team mid-career as free agents already come with pre-existing nicknames or have reputations that precede them—no nickname needed for some of these guys. But for “homegrown” talent, we need to get comfortable with them, and what better way to do that than to come up with some endearing nicknames?

Some of these are originals, while others are nicknames that have followed these guys from their college days—classics, why mess with them? You don’t fix what’s not broken. There are clever people everywhere—from Ohio to Tennessee to Louisville—so some of the legwork was already done. The rest? Well, my job was to ensure that if these new Chiefs players had never met a good old down-home Southern Missouri boy who would inevitably bestow an informal term of endearment somewhat related to their actual name, I’d get it done.

Josh Simmons – “Jimmy”

Simmons comes to the Chiefs as a high-level left tackle who suffered an injury that shortened his final season at THE Ohio State University. Still, his talent was enough to earn him a first-round draft selection and a spot with the most dominant franchise in the NFL over the last six seasons.

Though Simmons was one of the best offensive linemen on Ohio State’s roster during its 2024 National Championship run, he wasn’t the only Josh on that powerful front line. The Buckeyes had three Joshes on the offensive line last year, prompting Simmons to adopt the nickname “Jimmy” to avoid confusion. So, in my mind, “Jimmy” is a perfect fit for Simmons.

An honorable mention nickname I came up with for Simmons is Simmulation Theory”. For those unfamiliar with the actual simulation theory, it posits that we’re all living in a computer simulation rather than the real world. Given that Simmons is now part of an offense led by Patrick Mahomes, some might believe we, as Chiefs fans, are indeed living in a simulation—especially when you think about life before Patrick Mahomes.

Omarr Norman-Lott – “Omarr Comin’!”

His name is his actual nickname, but it means something different. It’s an ominous sign of respect. A phrase that means “everyone on the block better watch out, because this dude means business”. For anyone who has watched HBO’s early-2000s drama The Wire, you are very familiar with the aura and presence of Omar Little, played masterfully by the late Michael K. Williams. If the Chiefs’ Omarr can capture the same combination of respect and fear as Williams’ character had in David Simon’s magnum opus, Kansas City’s pass rush will clear blocks just like Mr. Little did in Baltimore.

A runner-up for Norman-Lott that was a viable candidate in my head was “Baby Shark”, not because I am a father to two children who are 2 years of age and younger, even though that damned song at times is stuck in my head on repeat. But because Norman-Lott will be wearing number 55 for the Chiefs, which of course previously belonged to Frank Clark, the original Shark.

Ashton Gillotte – “Sideshow Bob”

I don’t think there is much explanation needed here. Given Gillotte’s high motor and tremendous upside—reports after the draft revealed that Kansas City’s steal of Gillotte created some bellyaches across the league—there is a lot to observe and be excited about. One thing that my brain instantly was drawn to? The frizziness of his hair. Does that make me strange? Probably. But Gillotte’s tightly curled mane certainly gives him the same vibe as the most notorious serial criminal from The Simpsons universe. Let’s just hope his attempts to sack quarterbacks are more effective than Sideshow Bob’s attempts to eliminate Bart Simpson.

Nohl Williams – “Noh Man”

Nohl Williams is a player that I consider potentially the most important draft pick of the 2025 class. Williams is a true ball-hawking corner—something Kansas City has not had since Marcus Peters—and could add a real “turnover factory” element to the Chiefs’ already vaunted defense. At minimum, he will provide depth for a secondary that desperately needed it at times in 2024.

The nickname “Noh Man” is not only a play on Williams’ name, but a real estate proclamation as well. When opposing wideouts and quarterbacks get the bright idea to try to attack Williams’ side of the field, they have to remember they will be stepping foot into “Noh Man’s Land”, which is traditionally uninhabited by and desolate of offensive success. It is a risk to enter Noh Man’s Land, and those who do often regret their decision entirely after the trigger is pulled.

Jalen Royals – “Little Yeti”

When I started putting these together, the generic “Kansas City Royals” was all I could muster. I didn’t know much about Jalen Royals, and when the Chiefs drafted him, this is essentially the most recycled epithet for Royals you could find on the internet. But, as I began digging a little deeper, so as not to disappoint you, the reader, it dawned on me: Royals may hail from Georgia, but he matriculated through the halls of Utah State before being picked up by the Chiefs in the Draft.

What’s in Utah? Mountains, of course. Where do yetis live? Who is already referred to as the “Big Yeti”. By now, you see where I’m going. It only makes sense that the Chiefs’ newest pass-catching threat, who will surely learn a thing or two from his larger species-mate Travis Kelce, would be dubbed “Little Yeti”.

Jeffrey Bassa – “Bassa Hogg”

There is a 99.9% chance that Jeffrey Bassa has never watched The Dukes of Hazzard. Take the borderline problematic imagery and nature of the television series from the late-’70s and early-’80s out of the equation. Also, remove the nature of the Boss Hogg character himself from our perception of our own Bassa. The moral of the story here is that Jeffrey Bassa has a chance to be one of the bosses of the Chiefs’ defense, and more importantly, work to foil the efforts of opposing offenses much like Mr. Hogg did to the Duke boys back in the day. The best part of it all, we will not have to see Andy Reid wear any Daisy Duke shorts.

Brashard Smith – “Pony Boy”

An homage to both the greatest book I read in middle school (The Outsiders) as well as the glory days of SMU football. Smith comes to the Chiefs as a WR turned RB from a team that shattered expectations by making the college football playoff a year ago in SMU. His skillset and position history lend themselves well to the Chiefs’ propensity to utilize the running back position in the passing game. His top-end speed is something Kansas City frankly hasn’t had in the backfield in quite some time.

This nickname harkens back to one of the most dynamic college RB duos of all time: Craig James and Eric Dickerson, the “Pony Express”. If we can get even a percentage of Dickerson-esque production out of Smith as a Chief, the offense will be humming along like the original Pony Express. Also, who wouldn’t love to be able to smirk after a Smith touchdown and say, “Stay golden, Pony Boy.”