“I always felt a connection to the most broken and defeated among us, which drew me to the fan base of the Minnesota Twins,” said Pope Francis in a private meeting with Twins Daily’s own Gregg Masterson last fall. “Even looking at your lifeless, defeated eyes as they stare back at me now, I know you have endured lifetimes of pain while watching this ballclub, and I feel the need to comfort you. I’m here with you, my tortured son.”
Things have only gotten worse for both His Holiness and Twins Territory since that convocation. Pope Francis struggled through various health ailments, and the Twins find themselves near the bottom of the standings so far in the 2025 campaign. The only team that finds themselves closer to the bowels of Hell happens to be their opponent in a suddenly pivotal series at Target Field this week: the godless Chicago White Sox, as Deacon Randball Stu likes to refer to them.
“I tend to love everyone, but those wretched souls from Chicago are too far gone to be saved by grace,” the Pontiff decreed. “May the evil within them be cast away from their grasp, just as wins have of late.”
It’s a harsh message from a man known for mercy, forgiveness and unconditional love—but it’s fair, given the atrocities of their ballclub in recent seasons. You can only bat Andrew Vaughn cleanup so many times before the devil comes a-knockin’.
In a recent report from the Vatican, the Pope had a moment of clarity in his final hours, and he had but one request for the world before departing.
“Please, for the love of all that is holy, I just want the Twins to beat the Chicago White Sox this week so that they can get their season back on track,” said the Bishop of Rome, as he genuflected and looked to the heavens. “May their bats see the light and awaken in prosperity. For a closed offense becomes a hardened offense.”
The funeral for Pope Francis will take place this Saturday, and while he’s expected to be dressed in his finest robes and vestments, it is reported that he will also be donning a promotional Trevor Plouffe jersey handout that he received when visiting Target Field in 2016. He’ll be holding his treasured Obi Wan Kepleroni bobblehead from Star Wars Night in 2019.
The Twins Daily staff sends our heartfelt condolences after Pope Francis’s passing, and we share in his sentiment that the White Sox are a scourge on our world. If the Holy Father has gone on to a better place, we can be sure he is without White Sox, even if not quite without sin.
