A sickness impacting multiple people in March, prior to the start of a Red Sox season…now where have I heard that one before?

The last few days of Spring Training have been marred by the reported emergence of a stomach bug within Fenway South. What started as one or two instances of players getting sick has turned into an outright disaster prior to Opening Day (read as: one or two other guys have also gotten sick).

Marcelo Mayer? He was as sick as a dog. Triston Casas? He’s on the mend after his courageous battle with the bug. Roman Anthony? He lost 10 pounds! He’s a skinny legend, but maybe that’s not the best thing to be with the start of real games right around the corner. Get the boy a cheeseburger or something. Now, Justin Slaten is the bug’s latest victim.

Wilyer Abreu has yet to get going this spring, too, due to his own bout with a virus; he might not even be ready for the start of the season. It’s fun to joke about the fellas pooping too much and whatnot, but there is something to be said about illnesses taking weight off of the players prior to the start of the campaign. You can’t just flip a switch to get into baseball shape!

What in the world is happening in Florida as we live and breathe? There’s gotta be something in the water — and I wouldn’t blame anyone for drinking the tap water down there, since Florida’s favorite bottled water brand, Zephyrhills, tastes like poison.

Do we have to blow the dust off of the 2020 handbook? Do we need to enact social distancing at Fenway South? This case of the crud is ravaging the team, but we do have history to learn from here! I need hand sanitizer stations everywhere in Fort Myers. If we need to bring back the masks, then do it. Get Fauci on the line to give the boys a pep talk about the importance of killing germs.

Who do we think was Patient Zero for this stomach bug? That’s what I want to know. That individual could be liable for conduct detrimental to the team and a hefty fine if this sickness continues to destroy the Red Sox from the inside. Maybe, if we’re getting conspiratorial, this was a lab-grown hazard that was planted into the food by someone with the Yankees. I know we’re rivals and all, but I didn’t think we’d get to the point of biochemical warfare being carried out.

It’s unfortunate that this stomach bug is going around amid what’s otherwise been a very encouraging spring for the Red Sox: Alex Bregman has been as advertised thus far (both on and off of the field), Trevor Story is getting back into the swing of things following an injury-plagued (though not stomach bug-plagued, as for as I can tell) season in 2024, and the overall attitude surrounding the club seems to be positive.

With that in mind, I beg the Red Sox that they eliminate this bug by any means necessary. Disinfect the entire campus at Fenway South. Forfeit Grapefruit League games in order to socially distance. Make Roman Anthony and Marcelo Mayer the bubble boys. Whatever it takes to get fit.

Here’s hoping the Boston stomach bug crisis of 2025 doesn’t pave the way for a worldwide pandemic and an economic emergency. It’s happened before, after all. Use this tale as a reminder to wash your hands.