Not this typist.

When pigs can fly and cows jump over the moon … when hell freezes over … when an NBA guard gets called for “palming” … when Larry Bird picks up a check … when California tumbles into the sea …

That’ll be the day I believe Juan Soto is signing with the Red Sox.

Sorry.

This wasn’t always the case. Remember the good old days of Dan Duquette? When Pedro Martinez was available on the trade market, the Duke traded for Pedro. When Manny Ramirez was a free agent, the Duke signed Manny to an eight-year, $160 million contract.

In the first 18 years of this century, the Fenway Sports Group Red Sox were always in the conversation when great players were available, and they weren’t sending Hollywood Tom to close the deals.

When Boston’s bullpen imploded in the ‘Cowboy Up’ fall of 2003, the Sox signed Keith Foulke, the best free-agent closer on the market. That November, Theo Epstein went to Arizona to have Thanksgiving dinner with Curt Schilling and close a contract extension with the Big Lug.

They even went out and got Alex Rodriguez — quite possibly the best left-side infielder in baseball history — if only for a short few hours until the MLB Players Association cried foul.

That’s the way it was until 2018. The Red Sox had a top-three payroll. They had stars. They were in almost all conversations for top talent, and stars were happy to bring their talents to the Back Bay.

Not anymore. The Sox pivoted after winning that World Series. They went from the winning business to the making-money business. They elected not to compete for the services of home-grown future Hall of Famer Mookie Betts, and it’s been all downhill since.

Today, the Sox annually sell the illusion of contention and the ever-elusive, cost-effective, farm system “future.”

Now, they hope you believe they’re serious about acquiring a 26-year-old generational talent who’s probably going to sign the richest contract in baseball history.

At the MLB Owners Meetings in New York, Sam Kennedy delivered this year’s “Full Throttle, 2.0″ promise. The Sox CEO spoke of “extreme urgency internally.” He said, “even if it takes us over the [competitive balance tax].”

He also said “we are investing more than we did last year” and “the PGA Tour deal did take a lot of time last year,“ two galling admissions that FSG did not prioritize its baseball team last summer.

Maybe they’ll follow through and do more than “show interest” this time. Maybe the wildly-wealthy, most-expensive-ticket Red Sox are finally willing to eschew their Tampa Bay Ways.

They could restore all credibility by signing Juan Soto.

But until we see it … or something like it … they’ve lost the benefit of the doubt.

▪ Quiz: Name five Boston athletes or teams who were Sports Illustrated’s Sportsperson(s) of the Year. (Answer below.)

▪ What’s up with Bob Kraft and the Pro Football Hall of Fame? Kraft’s been a candidate for consideration 13 times, and 13 times he’s failed to make it to the final ballot. Vying to be considered as a “contributor,” last year he was aced out by the late Buddy Parker, who coached the Lions from 1951-56. We just learned that Kraft’s been snubbed this year in favor of the immortal Robert Hay, who owned the Canton Bulldogs from 1918-22. Yikes. Who does Kraft lose to next year? Clive Rush? Buddy Garrity? Jimmy “Hot Fingers” McNally?

▪ In 2022, Bruins players complained that coach Bruce Cassidy was too tough. They wanted a change. They got it. Cassidy was dumped — he went on to win a Stanley Cup with Las Vegas — and nice guy Jim Montgomery came on board.

In his first year on the job, Nice Guy Jim’s Bruins produced the greatest regular season in NHL history — 65-12-5. But they were bounced by Florida in the first round of the playoffs. One year later, the B’s again were really good in the regular season, and managed to get past Toronto in Round 1, only to be bounced again by the Panthers.

On Tuesday, Nice Guy Jim was fired after the slow and friendly Bruins got off to an 8-9-3 start. In two-plus regular seasons as head coach, Nice Guy Jim went 120-41-23.

Now what?

▪ The Celtics went to the White House Thursday, five months after winning the NBA championship. Many layers of planning and preparation went into the trip.

It was different when they won it in 1984. The Larry Bird Celtics beat the Lakers in Game 7 at the Old Garden on a Tuesday night and were told to report to the Eastern Air Lines Shuttle for a short flight to National (now Ronald Reagan) Airport the next morning. Warp speed.

The Celtics (without Chief, Larry, or Max) made it from the steaming hot Boston Garden to the steaming hot Rose Garden in less than 15 hours and presented President Reagan with a Celtics jacket. Dennis Johnson was selected to deliver remarks and said, “I’d like to ask the president, how do you stand out here and don’t sweat?”

▪ The death of international gymnastics coaching legend Bela Karolyi at the age of 82 reminded this typist of a magic Olympic night at the Georgia Dome in 1996 when American Kerri Strug landed a vault despite two torn ligaments in her left ankle. The vault clinched America’s first team gold.

Karolyi first came to fame at the Montreal Games in 1976 as Nadia Comaneci’s Romanian coach. Comaneci, who’d been discovered by Karolyi when she was 6 years old, scored the first perfect 10 in Olympic history. Karolyi defected from Romania to the US five years later, then guided American Mary Lou Retton to the all-around title in Los Angeles in 1984.

Karolyi was a powerful presence in Atlanta in 1996 and I remember him yelling, “You can do it!” (like Rob Schneider in “The Waterboy”) at the wounded Strug before she landed her winning vault. Strug donned a walking boot for the medal ceremony and her big bear coach proudly carried her to the platform.

Fortunately for Globe readers, a Boston scribe with no knowledge of gymnastics could get information from credentialed reporters Comaneci and Retton, who were stationed with the uninformed dopes in the Georgia Dome’s press area. It was like having Stan Musial and Ted Williams sitting in the Fenway press box while covering the Red Sox and Cardinals in the 1967 World Series.

“The US no longer follows in the world of gymnastics,” Retton told me. “After so many years of following the Russians and the Romanians, we’re the leaders.”

“I hope I helped,” Comaneci added. “Gymnastics is a beautiful sport, as big as figure skating at the Winter Olympics. And woman can do it as good as boys.”

▪ Speaking of The Greatest Hitter Who Ever Lived, Teddy Ballgame’s infamous Hitter.net cap — regrettably worn during Ted’s unforgettable 1999 All Star Game visit to Fenway — fetched $3,400 at auction last weekend. The Kid’s 1946 American League MVP award went for $528,750.

▪ Prediction: Dodger manager Dave Roberts will soon get a contract extension that will exceed Craig Counsell’s MLB-best $8-million-per-year deal with the Cubs.

▪ NBA Commissioner Adam Silver indicated in September that the league is considering expansion, which has Seattle folks in a lather. The SuperSonics — great uniforms, and remember when young DJ was MVP of the Finals for the Sonics in 1979? — left for Oklahoma City 16 years ago and Seattle is ready for another NBA team.

▪ Golden Bachelor Bill Belichick went home to be inducted in the Anne Arundel (Maryland) County Sports Hall of Fame on Nov. 13. As reported by the Wall Street Journal’s Jason Gay, the Hoodie delivered remarks from a first-floor ballroom at the DoubleTree Annapolis. Belichick was starting center for the Annapolis High Panthers, class of 1970.

“To these hometown friends and long-timers, Bill was a Panther more than a Patriot,” wrote Gay. “A player before he was a coach, a lacrosse obsessive as much as a football wizard, a generous dry wit instead of a crab.”

▪ After Sunday night’s win over the Bengals, Chargers linebacker Daiyan Henley said, “We’re trying to put the league on notice. This is a different team. This is not what the Chargers have been.” Sorry, but until they win a Super Bowl, they always will be the same old Chargers.

▪ The Lions, meanwhile, are a wagon. Detroit goes into Sunday’s game against the Colts with a plus-159 point differential, and already has won three games by 36 or more points.

⋅ NBA teams looking for front office help (you know who you are) should hunt down former Suns general manager Ryan McDonough, who drafted Devin Booker at No. 13 for Phoenix in 2015. McDonough, a son of Will and brother of Sean, is raising a family with his wife in Louisville, working for multiple media outlets.

▪The Dallas Wings won the WNBA draft lottery, which means they’ll select UConn’s Paige Bueckers if she forgoes her final year of eligibility for the Huskies. This will be a boost to the Wings, who are planning to leave Arlington, Texas, for downtown Dallas for the start of the 2026 season. Meanwhile, Bueckers and the Huskies seek to win Geno Auriemma’s first NCAA championship since 2016.

▪ Must read: “The Ancient Eight: College Football’s Ivy League and the Game They Play Today,” by John Feinstein. Did you know that Harvard won the 1920 Rose Bowl, 7-6, over Oregon?

▪ Folks who endured Netflix’s trainwreck telecast (nonstop buffering issues and freezing-palooza) of the Jake Paul-Mike Tyson farce last weekend are dreading Christmas Day, when Netflix will be streaming Chiefs vs. Steelers and Ravens vs. Texans.

▪ It’s hard to think of a more dominant local high school team than Watertown’s field hockey Raiders. To clinch their fourth consecutive Division 3 state championship, they beat unbeaten Sandwich, 2-0, last Saturday in Worcester. Watertown senior forward Caroline Andrade did not lose a game in her four varsity seasons. Coached by Eileen Donahue, this year’s Raiders beat five tournament teams by an aggregate 25-0. They’ll go into next season with 97 consecutive wins.

▪ Patriot fans who want to watch Sunday’s game against the Dolphins with Joe Andruzzi — for the benefit of Andruzzi’s foundation, which provides financial assistance to New England families battling cancer — can go to the Victory Point Restaurant in Quincy from 12:30-4 or purchase spots in advance at victorypointmb.com. Ticket includes a drink, tailgate food, a photo op with Joe and his Super Bowl rings, and a halftime Q and A.

▪ RIP Larry Johnson, who died in Brockton at the age of 75 last Friday. Larry was the Globe’s sport cartoonist throughout the 1980s, worked for the National Sports Daily, and was a longtime co-host of “Mustard and Johnson” at WEEI with co-host Craig Mustard. Visiting hours will be held at the Farley Funeral Home in Stoughton from 9-10:30 a.m. on Monday, Nov. 25.

▪ Quiz answer: Carl Yastrzemski (1967), Bill Russell (1968), Bobby Orr (1970), Boston Red Sox (2004), Tom Brady (2005, ‘21).

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at [email protected]. Follow him @dan_shaughnessy.